Guy's First Lap

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 To say I often find myself at festivals thinking just what would happen if, for some reason, we were forced to stay in the festival situation for an extended, nay a permanent period of time, is to blatantly ignore the fact that I don’t go to many festivals and would be misleading. But that has never stopped me before so let’s stick with the premise.

The reason that this might happen – I mean being forced to stay in a festival forever – is largely immaterial. When I do indulge in this thought experiment the scenario is, should it require clarification, often based around a story line involving a deranged national government that has been swept to power thanks to a populist movement that decided that what the people really want is a little more hedonism, alien invaders intent on getting to the basics of human nature by running an experiment to beat all experiments or an exocentric billionaire who, rather than having his mind set on clearing a swamp, building a beautiful wall or sinking his money into yet another golf course in Scotland, decided it would be really nice for people to just carry on doing the things they like doing the most.

Like I said, it is largely immaterial.

The point is that the situation goes beyond the traditional British weekend to become a permanent way of life. Then what would happen?

This thought experiment follows a few obvious and well trodden paths. You can try it at home yourself if you like.

Toilets are always one of the first things to crop up. The state of festival toilet is legendary. This new festival based society would have to sort out this issue pretty damn quick if it wasn’t to become an exsociety pretty soon.

Then there are the roads, who is allowed to pitch their tent where, access to food and booze. Not actually in that order.

This thought experiment is usually done over a pint or 2 during a lull in the actual festival proceedings and is usually short lived, largely because those invited to join the conversation are not in the least bit interested.

In the brief period of the experiment’s existence, the society progresses from utopian sunny uplands to an elitist oligarchy with draconian rules around the use of the nice toilets with flush and a taxation system that allows those in the higher echelons of the system access to the remaining pints of cider whilst the others are forced to apply for poorly paid jobs cleaning toilets.

Thunder Run adds a further dimension to this whole experiment. If you have ever done an off road 10k, through the woods, with hundreds of others, in the rain for 24 hours, where the top 3 inches of soil turns to mud with the consistency of a fine lubricant, you will understand the human form is very poorly designed for such activities. Some evolutionary changes might be required.

The centre of gravity is too high. Short legs would help and body parts used as counter balances would be even better. The bottom needs to be bigger and stick out, as should the chest. A simple matter of turning the body on its side and reattaching the legs around the belly button.

Two legs? Every school girl knows that to make anything stable you need at least 3 legs.

Then there is the contact with the surface itself. Normal running shoes are suicidal. Trail shoes are little better and barefoot? Don’t even think of it.

Skis or some kind of mini personal surf board arrangement would be more like it,

I finished my first lap of Thunder Run 2017 with the distinct impression that should we be forced to exist at Thunder Run long enough for evolution to kick in, we would ultimately arrive at a human form that resembled a 3 legged duck with a penchant for over flowing toilets and a resistance to dysentery.

Thunder Run 2017

 Thunder Run is a 24 hour trail relay race consisting of 10k laps around Catton Park, on the Derbyshire/Staffordshire border.

Guy will be running this gruelling race to raise funds for Hothouse Theatre's 2017-18 theatre season.

Guy will be running in a team of 8. The aim is to do 3 laps each over the 24 hours of the race.

"Last year I got 1.5k into my second lap at 1:30 a.m. before 'finding' a pot hole, doing my ankle in, and hobbling the rest of the lap. Before settling down by the campfire and 'red wining' with the emphasis on 'whining' my way through the rest of the event.

This year I have a date with the 1:30 shift!" - Guy

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Oh My Nottz is a HotHouse Theatre production. Co. No. 6505843 Charity No. 1154523. Tel 07963020259 email website